vanakam ^^

Thursday, January 19, 2006 im so bothered!

i have no choice but to vent my anger and sorrows here.

i cant bear to ignore him any further.

am trying hard to forget about their past but i still feel very awkward whenever he mentioned about something or somewhere that they have done or have been before..

everytime i look at him blankly, i'll think of the many things that they have done together. i can honestly say now, that i detest going to the places they have been before. i'll also refrain from sitting the seat she have sat in his car. or probably not even sit his car anymore. not that im being childish for doing so, but the first thing that come to my mind when i sit his car will be her. coz she was the girl that got the chance to be chauffeured around by him even before i get to. and i definitely do not wish to be reminded of her again. yes, i think im jealous.

i dont even feel like going out together with his friends anymore. he used to bring her out with them during our breakup and i feel awkward having to face them again.

i was very angry when i've known that he actually smoked for her, just bcoz she forced him to do so. wth! what for force him to smoke when he's a non-smoker?! she smoke, she die, her problem wat. i am extremely furious about this. is she that important to him that he can actually try smoking for the very 1st time? even if he really didn't inhale in, he's still doing it for her sake right? argh!

he said that she was pretty and special to him..

then where do i stand in his heart????

he consulted her in most of his decision, including what to get for his new bike.. now i really wonder whether his look-out for the Arai OW was for her.. i also wonder whether he sold his wave bcoz of her. was it bcoz she got scalded by the bike that's why he sold it off? he wants her to sit comfortably in his new car? i really think so.

he tells me that he went out with her bcoz he had not many friends, so his cousin and gf are the only one that can acc him. in order not to make him extra in front of them, his cousin's gf called her out to accompany him. i would think that this is crap. for goodness sake, dont treat me like a kid who knows nothing. he even gave her a surprise by going over her workplace to fetch her home then to causeway point to meet her mum. so? doesnt this imply an interest towards her?

i also recall the day i celebrated meiyun's bday with her on 19 nov. meiyun invited him to the celebration but he didnt turn up. i did call him in the evening on that day, but he did not pick up. now then i know that he was actually out with her. dammit.

*sigh.. i really hate her for being the cause of our breakup. he might think that i was the one creating such a din about those normal msgs she have sent him. but i dont wish to see any girls giving and calling my bf names, as if he was hers. in fact, it's normal for friends to give each other names. but he's attached. wouldnt he think of my feelings if i were to know other girls being so close to my bf? how would he feel if a guy call me some mushy names too? is it ok too? for me, i definitely cant accept it.

i never wish to invade into my bf's privacy. i trust him totally. but since that incident of seeing her msgs calling him names, i now have a phobia whenever he receives msgs. i fear that those are msgs from girls. my trust for him now has decreased, which i dont wish to.

i hate him too. hate him for not being truthful to me. hate him for keeping things from me. hate him for telling me they had nothing between them, but went wooing her after we broke up.

i know he had the choice of wooing any girl since he was single. but of all people, why her? or am i the one that came in between the both of them? our breakup actually pulled them closer together? then why did he want to patch back our relationship? was it because she had a bf already, that's why he came back? no offence for saying so, but those questions are bothering me.

i hate it to find out about her myself. also hate to know about the happy times they had spent together. i wished i never knew about all these.

feel so insecure now. feel so much like a substitute.

wish she never existed.

last of all, i still love him.

T_T

far-terd at 5:53 PM